LOST University

In the spirit of nurturing my denial of LOST's 8-month hiatus, we'll take some time here to think about what it would be like to go to college with the cast of LOST.

(Cue cheesy montage of characters doing typical college things, like eating pizza, cramming for a test or "just hangin' out" -- all to the tune of some upbeat generic alt. rock tune)

The "I'm Gonna Be Famous. Seriously" Kid: Charlie Pace. There was always that guy who had a band, and he made sure he told you roughly 8-10 times a week about his MySpace page and/or an upcoming coffee house concert: "It's gonna be really chill. Just me, a bar stool and an acoustic guitar -- covering John Mayer, all night long!" (The anger I'm displaying right now is a defense mechanism for the ultimate sadness I feel over Charlie's death)

The Insecure Rebel: Sawyer. That guy who had to do really insane things to cover some lifelong scar obtained in childhood. Often heard uttering the phrase, "Yeah, I'll drink that."

The Stoner: Hurley. Smoking pot makes you want to eat snacks, and maybe play the lottery.

Token Sorority Babe Who May Or May Not End Up On Girls Gone Wild: Shannon. Be honest, there are some girls who were molded from early age to fit the sorority girl archetype. Usually they have some faux coming-of-age moment around junior year where they realize that they're not good people, which lasts until that day's happy hour. You can only hope they don't make out with their pseudo-half-brother in a moment of confusion. Again, I say, ewwwww.

Token Frat Lord: Boone. His name is Boone. That goes well on the back of a t-shirt and can be chanted easily during a keg stand.

Professor Who Totally Freaks You Out, But Might be a Genius: John Locke. "I don't want to believe that the answers to my questions lie in a Native American sweat lodge. But maybe Professor Locke is right."

Dean of Crazy: Benjamin Linus. My name is Benjamin Linus, and I was born in the quad.

Quiet Exchange Student: Sun. An obvious choice, I know.

Child Prodigy: Walt. Remember that kid in college who was like 8 years younger than everybody, but could project his image to remote locations, summon and kill birds with his mind and warn old men not to "push the button"? There's always one.

Chemistry Professor: Arzt. That's a cheat, since his character was really a chemistry teacher. Not like my chemistry teacher in high school. Dick Caster was the Chuck Norris of Lincoln Southeast High School. He was a football coach who I'm fairly certain killed bears with his hands on the weekends.

Mascot: Vincent. LOST University, Home of the Fightin' Vincents! Another cheat, as he's the only notable non-human on the show. Unless you count Ben Linus.

University Founder: Jacob. A man whose mythology grows with each incoming class. And one night the kids get a little sauced, stumble into a haunted campus building and swear that if you look real hard you can see his ghost. Nobody believes, until shit gets crazy.

Girl Whose Boyfriend Constantly Obsesses Over Her, Despite her Attending a Different College: Penny. "Hey, Desmond, you wanna go to the bars tonight?" "I can't! Penny's calling! I haven't talked to her since noon! I'll catch ya on another night, brutha."

Guy Who Lives in That Dorm You Never Go Into: Mikhail "Patchy" Bakunin. What's he doin' in there? Why does he wear that eye patch? I'll say it if no one else will, I think he's up to something.

That Guy Nobody Likes: Paulo. Enough said.
Honorable Mention: Michael.


Thus concludes our lecture on LOST U. I hope you took notes, there will be a test.

Namaste,
Charlie.