Lostocracy

What if LOST were it's own government?

Part I of However Many We Feel Like in our "LOST in Society" series.

Today we'll examine what happened if the LOSTies staged a coup (on the island, or perhaps off of it in an attempt to give Jack something to do other than drink, abuse pain pills and somehow find it more productive to use maps rather than Google Earth to find his sacred island) to form their own government.


President/King/Czar: Jack Shephard. As if there was any doubt. Even if someone else tried to be president, Jack would talk them out of it. Of course, halfway through his term he would stage an internal battle of conscience over the burden of leadership.

First Lady: Kate. Hottest. First. Lady. Ever. And 10 years after Jack's done being president she can sweep in and polarize the country ("We can't vote for an ex-con!" "But she's so hot!").

Homewrecking Intern: Juliet. This saucy minx is one black felt beret short of being the Island's Lewinsky. At least she's attractive.

Supreme Court Chief Justice: Ben Linus. Sorry, I had to give him a job for fear that if I didn't he'd haunt my dreams.

Vice President: Jin. A bit of a shocker, but from what I can tell of politics, the Vice President is supposed to be a blind supporter of everything the president does, and Jin is that. He seems to trust Jack when nobody else will. Also, like our current VP, he's killed before, and he'll kill again.

Secretary of Agriculture: Sun. Partly because she's always tending her little island garden, partly because her namesake is the giver of life to all plants and vegetation on earth and partly because I thought it fitting that the most boring character on the show be given the most boring job in the government. Yawn.

Secretary of Defense: Sayid. I know some will balk at the idea of putting an Iraqi in charge of our war-time efforts. But seriously, Sayid makes Chuck Norris look like Tobey Maguire. And he's never wrong.

Secretary of Labor: Bernard. Remember when he tried to make everyone construct that giant SOS signal? Oh, Bernard, if you're wife wasn't such a good character you would've been killed off long ago. You are not rambo, you are a dentist. And a Secretary of Labor.

Secretary of Transportation/General Hilariousness: Hurley. Gotta give it to the bus-driving , wise-cracking maniac here. I imagine the real Secretary of Transportation (Mary E. Peters) is a real crack-up in those cabinet meetings - just a guess.

Secretary of Education: Sawyer. He's well-read and he can teach the children about how to turn obscure, dated pop-culture references into clever nicknames. No Smart Ass Left Behind.

Secretary of Bat Shit Craziness: Rousseau. Every government needs a loony hanging around. Clinton had his brother Roger, Bush has Cheney and the Losties have Rousseau. She's crazier than all of my ex-girlfriends combined, and that's saying something.

Under-Secretary of Bat Shit Craziness: Alex. Awww, mother-daughter psychotic behavior.

Token Benedict Arnold: Michael. "No, seriously. The Others wanted to talk to you guys. No, I don't know what it's regarding." Bastard.

Token Rasputin: Desmond. A worthy clairvoyant confidant for the Shephard administration. And little known fact: Desmond and Rasputin share the same chest hair pattern.

Token John Locke: John Locke. Please, like any government could hold John Locke. And no mere cabinet post could contain him. He'll just sit there, biding his time, plotting when/how/where/with what knife he'll defeat Jack.


And there you have it: The Lostocracy. As always, your thoughts, contributions and gushing praise are welcome. Just comment below.


Clinging to the days when LOST was on every week,
.charlie.